Never Walked In High Heels

It has now been five summers since I first came to London. In 2004, I was here working on an undergraduate thesis, and I swore I would never come back. By the end of those eight weeks my life had forever changed, and I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In many ways, it was a loss of innocence. If you ask me what happened, I can honestly say I don’t remember much. It was a nine week long black-out in my life, which happens to be recorded in my journal. Something that I never open. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office when I was diagnosed and thinking, “I’m a twenty year-old young woman in private school, and they are giving me the same diagnosis as men returning from war.”

Nine months later, I was making plans to move to London permanently. 

The sun hits the Thames so fiercely in the summer that sometimes it acts as a flashbulb trigger between here and yesterday. Oddly enough, I don’t mind. It serves as a reminder of where I’ve come from and where I’m going. And if you’re on the right path, you shouldn’t be ashamed to remember either.

I love summer in London more than any other city I’ve ever lived in. I think it’s because everyone loves summer here. There’s always that first day that you look around and notice that all of the women are wearing dresses that catch the breeze just so. You walk outside and are warmed by the sun, and it’s like winter never even existed. Months of grey skies disappear within a relatively few days of sunshine. It’s like you can breath again.  We all know the rain will return, the biting cold will seem worse next year, and that being so far up North means that the nights will swallow our days. But life is always best lived when you can be present in the moment no matter what the conditions. 

Last week I went down to the docks to see the sunlight flash on the Thames. There are a few days when I want to see it, to remind myself that London can be a harsh mistress. Other days, I know full well that living here is really hard. But on those days, the ones where the sun is shinning for the first time in weeks, and you know you have months of summer left, it makes surviving the winter worth it all.